My So Called Life

ahhhhh, i am so very tired

last week(month,year) was the lamest week ever. i won't go into details, but it did involve getting ran over by a car plus getting cursed out by a guy from "Jackass" (after he bought me a drink & some drugs).

but i am digressing from the real reason why i write this

it is an open valentine to the one love of my life, the only real man i've ever met. i will call him Elvis, because you should already know his name. he is a famous rock star (si) & i grew up enamored of his music.

we met, he flew me out to meet his family, blahblahblah. everyone called me Mrs Presley because we were all convinced that i would be his bride. our "child" turned out to be cancer. i told him, he dumped me, then i tried to kill myself. & that was the beginning of my troubles.....

around that time he took a female rapper on tour with him. she was dark & exotic & i'm sure everyone was confused as to why they would be touring together. but i knew why, i knew that she would be my replacement.

we had a talk yesterday & i asked him about it. he said no, they were never together. i don't believe it, but it is ok. years ago, he also said to me that WE were never together. as though those years never happened. the gifts, the trips, the way his grandfather told strangers about how much he liked me. how his dad raved about my spirit & exotic looks. how his niece & nephew followed me around like puppies, knowing that i always had time to play. i am ok with it all. it is an equisite pain but i am small but strong

my idol Pamela DesBarres once said that i would be the perfect rock n roll courtesan & it is true. i see all. i talk for hours & say nothing.it took me years to ask him about his mistress & i took his lie as truth. it doesn't matter now one way or the other. i measure all men to him, he is as close to perfection as i have ever seen.

i remember everything he has ever said to me. his last 2 cds were about me, but i will never be able to hear them. i can't. i really don't want to know.

he is the reason why i took the name Havisham. it's funny because i told him a million times that i would never be his Annie, but i am so her. she was his ex, they broke up before i was ever even born.she was engaged to a guy from Metallica, then Elvis told her to dump him. & she did. she goes to his concerts all around the U.S., he sends her tickets. he is her life & i'm pretty sure she has not seen him (in real life, together) in decades. he texts her, she follows, but they never really meet. it's bizarre & i feel as though that's what he wants from me

i know how crazy this all sounds (it's crazy to me). but this is my life. mansion parties thrown by strangers, drugs, "fame"(lol), & a ghost for a boyfriend.....eh

we went to buy his grandfather a car & took his nephew. Elvis asked me "What do you want here?I'll buy you whatever you want!" i pointed at his half black,half white nephew that everyone assumed was our child. that's all i ever wanted from him

"I'd rather be blue, thinking of you. I'd rather be blue over you, than be happy with someone else"

Later:

So i've been having TERRIBLE insomnia, even the pills don't work anymore. i've read every book written & now all of my shoes are covered in rainbow glitter. my closet is a drag queens wet dream. yes, you are seeing pink glitter + green & red xmas shuz. yes, you don't have to be jealous. i've put up more stuff at www.freewebs.com/gossiprag . if you care...